Monthly Archives: August 2014

Hipster Finds Lifestyle Too Expensive, Reverts to Mainstream

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HipsterASHEVILLE, NC — Derek Loy has been living the hipster lifestyle for the past two years, but after his bank account began to dwindle, he reverted to mainstream customs.

“I tried my best,” said Loy, “I really did. I was juicing regularly, eating local and organic, and was doing my best to only drink craft beer. Unfortunately, my bank account just couldn’t handle hipster living.”

Loy said the added stress on his bank account caused him to revert to a more conventional lifestyle, that he enjoyed in his pre-hipster years.

“All the stuff I was doing was great. Kale salads and IPA’s are delicious, but you know what’s also fantastic: cheap stuff. Bud light, frozen chicken and pizza, Coke. Was I saving a lot of money on clothes? Absolutely. I mean, I was buying stuff from thrift stores that homeless people probably wouldn’t wear. And, because I rarely showered, my water…

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Southern Californians Panic as Light Rain Affects Region

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LONG BEACH, CA — Southern Californians began to panic today as light rain affected the region around 11:00 am Pacific Time. Traffic began slowing down from 30 mph to 15 mph, and in some areas people stopped their vehicles and turned their heads dramatically toward the sky  to see what mystical phenomenon was occurring before their eyes.

“In all my days,” said Vienna Charles of Lakewood, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

The rain not only caused traffic to stop in several areas, but businesses have closed down until the rain abates and the weather returns to 72 and sunny.

“You think we’re going to risk our employees going out in this?” said Dan Linchberg of P.I.G. pharmaceuticals, “We demand a lot out of our workers, but we’re not monsters.”

Hospitals too, have seen an influx of people coming in to treat the rain water that has touched their skin.

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New Study Shows Marijuana Smoke to be Leading Cause of Global Warming

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Marijuana global warmingPORTLAND, OR — A recent study coming out of University of Oregon A&M suggests that Marijuana smoke is quickly becoming the leading cause of global warming. Professor Scott Morgan has been heading up this study and has said that the results have been surprising.

“With the legalization of Marijuana in both Washington and Colorado, we have seen a huge influx in smoke emissions especially in those two states. What we’ve discovered is that state-wide marijuana smoking is the equivalent of driving fifty semi trucks up a 45 degree graded road.”

Professor Morgan has also stated that when marijuana is smoked in a group setting — at a concert for example — that the damage increases exponentially.

“Wiz Khalifa concerts are likely the worst thing for our environment since Chernobyl. You can literally see the death cloud rising into the atmosphere,” said Morgan.

Professor Morgan said that “If someone was given the choice between…

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NBC Plans Mid Fall Lineup, Predicting Inevitable Fail of Fall Lineup

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NBC Fall ShowsNEW YORK, NY — NBC announced today that it has scheduled four new shows that will air mid-fall, following their expectations that most of their new fall shows will fail.

“We took a shot, and if history has taught us anything, it’s that we’re probably going to miss on the majority of our new premiers,” said CEO Steve Burke.

With new shows like State of Affairs, Marry Me, and Bad Judge, NBC looks to add a whole new lineup of shows that will inevitably be canceled mid-season.

“People are not stupid,” said Burke. “They know that we were the ones who put shows like 1600 Penn, and Guys With Kids on the air. I don’t know if anyone saw those shows, but they provided simply miserable television.”

Among the shows scheduled to replace NBC’s new fall line up are hospital comedy, “Where’s My Colon?” and police drama…

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Liz Cheney Knocks Obama for Torture Comments


Former Bush Administration official Liz Cheney lambasted President Barack Obama on Thursday for his recent comments on torture.

The daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney “gave it to the President with both barrels,” one member of the Republican National Committee told TIME in describing Cheney’s remarks at a closed-door meeting of top Republican Party officials. Obama said Friday that “we tortured some folks” in the aftermath of the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Speaking on the condition of anonymity because the meeting was closed to reporters, multiple attendees said Cheney defended the practice of waterboarding, which promotes the sensation of drowning, arguing that American military and intelligence personnel are trained how to withstand the practice as part of their training.

The younger Cheney and her father recently launched the Alliance for a Strong America, a nonprofit group designed to promote their hawkish foreign policy at a time when factions…

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James Franco and Seth Rogen’s The Interview Slated for Christmas Day

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Sony has announced that The Interview, starring James Franco and Seth Rogen in a plot to kill North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, has been pushed back to Christmas Day after a positive reaction during early screenings.

The controversial comedy, in which the duo run a tabloid television show and are recruited by the CIA to assassinate Kim after they land a rare interview, had originally been slated for Oct. 10. Rogen and Evan Goldberg, who collaborated on This Is the End, directed the film.

North Korea’s government reportedly called the movie a “wanton act of terror” and promised “merciless” retaliation against the U.S. if it’s released.

The movie will have a good deal of competition at the box office. The cult sequel Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and Disney musical Into the Woods will be released during the holiday weekend, as will the family flick Paddington and…

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Watch a Science Cop Take on Donald Trump

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The Ebola outbreak that is causing such fear and suffering in Africa is a very real and very deadly thing. But the fact is that the nature of the Ebola virus is such that it stands a very low chance of ever causing a pandemic like AIDS or H1N1. That hasn’t stopped America’s great foghorn—Donald Trump—and others like him from spreading all kinds of misinformation about the disease, warning people that patients should not be brought to the U.S. and that flights from West Africa should be stopped, otherwise we face an American epidemic.

But Trump and his ilk are committing a science crime—the crime of misinformation. Here’s the truth, from TIME’s Jeffrey Kluger.

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